Russian Brides

In reaction to the current conflict in Georgia, an acquaintance exclaimed that he would have to cancel his Russian Bride order.  He is probably not alone.  Men everywhere may be rethinking that recent PayPal purchase… grimacing at the thought of inviting a war-mongering she-predator into their homes, hoping she can handle a broom as well as she can handle a machine gun, and wondering if there may be some sort of return policy.  Do not, I repeat, do NOT cancel your order.

Russian brides are a precious commodity- one not to be taken for granted.  Yes, by depleting the stock of young, beautiful women in Russian, we may be tempting fate- inciting Russian men to do things like invade South Ossetia- but think in the long-term, of the big picture.  One day, we will boast the possession of ALL the eligible Russian women in the world.  This is surely the path to world domination.  This is the most certain means to ultimately defeat the Rusky state once and for all.  Yet, aside from establishing America’s supreme authority, it advances our evolution as humans.

Bear with me.  See my reasoning below (from a past email exchange with friend and employee of NASA):

From: Jenni
Sent: Thursday, August 30, 2007

To: Cynthia
Subject: Who’s tim gunn?

her response: Ah, you clearly have better things to do with your life than watch reality shows on Bravo. Tim Gunn is the mentor on Project Runway (he’s also the dean or something of Parson’s school for design). He’s the most fabulously well dressed older gay man ever. He says things like “carry on” and “sturm und drang.”

my response: i think i’m over older gay men. even of the fabulously dressed variety. in fact, i think i’m over gay men in general. you do realize that i work with one straight man in an office of approximately 40? one. and he’s the CEO. i’d even question his orientation if he didn’t wear big belt buckles and drink shiner out of the bottle. i work in musical theatre for godssake! (jazz hands!) it couldn’t get any queenier around here if elizabeth I walked in the damn door.

on the other hand, i AM indeed impressed with anyone who can throw around terms referring to late 18th-century german expressionist movements. and thanks to my music schooling, i didn’t even have to wiki that.

her response: Oh, Jenni Rebecca. You are so educated and clever.

I (only kinda) feel your pain. I was looking around the cafeteria today thinking about what NASA engineers are (incredibly intelligent, generally nice) and what they are not (attractive, socially adept, well dressed). I am wasting my youth on men who actually want me for my mind. How depressing.

my response: clever? oh pish. thou doth possesseth a keen wit thrice the magnitude of mine own.

to be wanted for one’s mind is nothing to sneeze at…it’s a comfort when we start to sag in all the wrong places.

regarding NASA men, the fact that they are unattractive and can’t dress should be secondary to the fact they can never be fired and probably have decent pension plans. find one with particularly thick bottle-cap glasses…perhaps one getting on in years…and who knows what you can get away with! you see, all of the above never stopped the NASA geeks from walking into the jewelry store at baybrook with astoundingly beautiful russian brides on their arms. i never once questioned the harmony of the universe when i could witness the sweet balancing forces of nature in action. and to take it one step further, these NASA men and their rusky counterparts are doing our dear world a favor. we mustn’t get carried away with sharp intellect or a great pair of legs—no! we must do our part to even the playing field for the human race. no more is it necessary for the blind, pocket-protector-donning egg-head doomed to walk this lonely earth alone…or with the adult equivalent of the little girl in lil’ miss sunshine. (mind you, i am not poking fun at that little girl—i looked just like her at 8 years old.) no! instead they have their pick of gorgeous, though intellectually confounded women to assist them in upping the ante for the gene pool. we owe them all our deepest gratitude. yay for mail order brides!

…now if only we could manufacture the mail equivalent.

her response: Ya know, I see your point regarding NASA men, but the truth is that I, too, am a NASA employee and therefore can never be fired and have awesome health insurance, pension plan, etc. I also come with the added bonus of being attractive and dressing well. I guess what I’m saying is – where’s my russian bride?

my response: well, cynthia…you seem to be forgetting the options before you. nowhere does it say you can’t have a russian bride. you will just have to go to hawaii or montreal [or california]* to marry her, that’s all.


As you can see, there is more at stake for humanity.

To all my beautiful, brilliant Russian girlfriends…

*updated for accuracy


~ by ladamesansregrets on August 22, 2008.

2 Responses to “Russian Brides”

  1. Yep, Tim Gunn is freakin’ amazingly well-dressed. I’m a straight guy (yep, we watch PR too) and every time he walks on camera, I say out loud, “Damn, yet ANOTHER sharp suit.”

  2. This is so true. We really do need more breathtakingly sexy, and massively intelligent half-Russians walking around this country. Bring ’em on over! And a number of those Russian women are beautiful and have brains to boot. Women really don’t have as much opportunity to use it over there, so their intellects probably isn’t developed to their full potential. Not that they’ll use them much in their daily broom-wielding activities, but at least the babies will have it from both sides. Or who knows. If a NASA guy got his mitts on a hot, smart Russian girl, he’d probably like her so much she could do anything she wanted. So yes, order a Russian bride. It’s just good sense.

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