Sheer Blasphemy

In high school, I used to have this bizarre recurring dream that I was married to Adam Sandler.  Sadly, I think he may have ruined his chances with me forever after seeing this list appearing on a Sandler website.

How wrong you are?  Let me count the ways.  See original list below with my editorial comments:

Top 100 Reasons Why Captain Kirk is Better Than Captain Picard


100. Kirk is a leader, not a follower. What are you even talking about, Adam?!  Picard prevented the Borg invasion of the EARTH-saving the planet!  Kirk saved a baby Spock (must I remind you that he couldn’t save Spock the first time?), a defunct Earth satellite, and some whales.  Who cares!

 

99. Kirk never really got into that kinky “Jumpsuit” look. Picard’s “jumpsuit” has more swag than Kirk’s uniform ever had.

98. Kirk has sex more than once a season. Clearly, you never read the books, Adam.  Jean-Luc got plenty of action.

97. One Word: Hair. This is total prejudice.  You’re swayed because you have more hair than a yeti.  (And don’t think for a second that you will be spared from the inevitable bald spot, sir.)  Besides, some of the sexiest men alive are bald or balding: Patrick Stewart, Sean Connery, Taye Diggs, and Rodrigo Santoro in the 300.  Need I go on?

96. Another Word: Pretty-good-looking-can’t-see-the-weave-WIG. Harumph.

95. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed. Picard didn’t need to beat up Klingons, stupid- they made peace with the Federation in 2352.

94. Picard is a French man with an English accent. EXACTLY.

93. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher — and damn the consequences!! Picard had OTHER reasons for not dating Crusher.  He was buddies with her dead husband… and it wouldn’t be cool to step into a dead friend’s territory, right?  (P.S. He DID hit that in an alternate future.)

92. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever. He also never made wine.

91. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk. Yeah- Kirk has a phaser; Picard has photon torpedoes.

90. Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge. Fair.  BUT then, how would Picard get any Crusher-play after throwing her kid off the ship?  On the other hand, Kirk kept Sulu on the ship.  Wesley now writes popular tech blogs; Sulu sings show tunes.

89. Two words: Shoulder Roll.

88. Kirk doesn’t wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch. It was a kimono- and it was cool.

87. Kirk once said: “I’ve got a belly-ache — and it’s a beauty.” Picard once said, in talking about the Borg (a.k.a the biggest badasses in the universe), “They invade our space and we fall back.  They assimilate entire worlds and we fall back.  The line must be drawn here, this far, no farther.  And I will make them pay for what they’ve done.”  Belly-ache?  Please.

86. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis. Ummm, no.  But he does sing ‘Rocket Man.’

85. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.

84. Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earth’s whale population. True- Kirk’s failure to descriminate on the basis of species was one of his high points.  Just what the world needs- a bunch of illegitimate whales genetically predisposed to be cheesy.

83. Kirk says “Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?” Sounds vaguely familiar… resonates of current U.S. policy?

82. Kirk knows 20th Century curses. And Picard knows 16th century poetry.  And Moby Dick.

81. Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the Federation. No, he never dealt with the Borg, since he was still beating his chest with the Klingons and Romulans.  He also never wore a kick-ass eye-laser.

80. Kirk ate little coloured cubes and still remained relatively healthy. Wait.  This is a good thing?

79. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology. Honestly, which is better?  A rustic French vineyard with horse-drawn carts or some janky machinery?

78. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical advantage. No, with that rug on his head, it was clear Kirk didn’t know what a barber was.

77. Kirk wasn’t shy about taking his shirt off –even around those pesky Yeomans.

76. Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill. If Kirk had his way, the holodeck would be used solely as a bedroom with charmeuse satin and lame bedsheets.  On the other hand, Picard would never waste so much money on dry-cleaning bills.

75. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt. Better his shirt than his pants.

74. One Word: Velour. *sigh*

73. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess. And Picard can beat an android at poker.

72. When Kirk was Picard’s age, he retired from Admiral and took to climbing rocks. Kirk climbed on EVERYTHING.  This is not a virtue.

71. When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly freighter, Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship Enterprise.

70. Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again. Picard had an actual bar on his ship.

69. One Word: Iman.

68. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt. Picard looks good with ANY shirt… even a ruffled one.

67. If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and shit down its neck.

66. Kirk says “Shoot first and wait for retaliation.” What kind of shooting are we talking about here?

65. Kirk’s first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge. Because, if he did, Kirk would shoot him out into space.

64. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out. There’s no disputing class.

63. Kirk doesn’t rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.

62. Two Words: Funky Sideburns. Indeed.

61. Kirk never asks his bartender for advice. But Whoopi knew it all!

60. Kirk never once said “Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!” HIS ship wasn’t blown to pieces by the Borg in a moment’s notice.  Kirk, on the other hand, blew his ship up himself.

59. Kirk is not politically correct. In fact, he’s just generally not correct.  He can’t even remember what his doctor does.

58. Kirk never got “dumped” by a woman for an intergalactic busy body named after a letter of the alphabet. And good riddance.

57. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest. But Picard looked GOOD in those tights.

56. If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk’s bridge, Kirk would likely be dead.

55. Ever hear of a bar shooter called “Make it so?” No? How about a “Beam me up Scotty” then? See the difference? Brevity is everything.

54. One Word: Miniskirts. And go-go boots.  Capable of derailing any intergalactic mission in an instant.

53. Kirk’s girlfriends always look good in soft light. Picard’s girlfriends were freakin’ doctors who looked good in ANY light.

52. Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red shirts.

51. Kirk’s first officer didn’t play some wimpy instrument like the trombone. My guess is that Vulcan harp ranks a bit higher on the pansy scale than the trombone.

50. Kirk had more dates than his first officer. Quality, not quantity.

49. The extent of Kirk’s knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly translated as “GO F*CK YOURSELF.” His knowledge of English vocabulary wasn’t too hot either.

48. If something doesn’t speak English — it’s toast. Unless it wears one of the aforementioned mini-skirts…in which case, it’s f*cked.

47. Kirk wasn’t some prissy archaeology fan. Uhh, right- history, archaeology and sociology are just gay.

46. Picard’s middle name isn’t tough or awe-inspiring like Tiberius is. No, but it’s hella-sexy.

45. If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up. Or plays whale-songs to it.

44. Picard never met Joan Collins. Depite that fact, he met plenty of other alien species with altered caucasoid features.

43. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet. How do you know Kirk didn’t cheat?

42 Picard hasn’t fathered any children; Kirk — probably millions. And he’s WAY overdue on child-support.

41. Kirk has a cool phaser — not some pansy Braun mix-master. A phaser with animated fire.  Real effective, buddy.

40. Two Words: Line Delivery. Line delivery so good it sells Priceline.

39. Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes with his toes, while Kirk slung bails of wheat and hay in Iowa to put himself through school. Do tractor-pulls trump wine-tastings?

38. Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures. To distract from the inanity of his speech.

37. Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium nitrate, charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his enemies. (Need we say more?) Playing Rambo is so passe in the 24th century.

36. Kirk is not put off by green skin. Just green blood.  On his boots.

35. Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippy goofs.

34. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won. Ricardo Montalban does not count.

33. Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock only. To which Spock’s most frequent reply is “That’s illogical.”  Translated as: “You’re a dumbass.”

32. Kirk doesn’t let the doctor tell him what to do. HIS doctor didn’t look like Beverly Crusher.

31. One Word: Fisticuffs. Is that supposed to sound tough?

30. Kirk’s name is hated throughout the galaxy. Right.

29. Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn’t let it show. He didn’t let any cultivation show.

28. You can never lock up Kirk for very long. True- that ego cannot be constrained.

27. Kirk’s eulogies can actually make you cry. Picard never cried when his crew got killed.  He didn’t even cry when he was stabbed through the heart.

26. Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for resources. Picard doesn’t need to exploit lesser creatures for resources- he once defeated an ill-natured pool of oil.

25. Kirk’s son would never drop out to become a musician.

24. Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything. Picard has people to do that.

23. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses. No, his engineer was a perpetually drunk Scottish dude.  Picard’s engineer taught kids to read- punk glasses or no.

22. The Klingons didn’t have a word for surrender — until they met Kirk.

21. Kirk’s bridge is not beige. It also doesn’t sound like a canary refugee camp.

20. Two Words: Crane Shots.

19. Picard likes wimpy violin music — and coerces Data into playing it.

18. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things, like Tribbles. While we’re on the subject of Tribbles, Picard never whined about pink balls of fluff.

17. Kirk is a cultural icon — Picard is just some guy who’s really nice. Need we specify what type of cutural icon?

16. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge. Picard has a 200-inch Samsung high definition plasma flat screen as his main viewer.

15. Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL.

14. Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses — and nobody dares to call him “four eyes.” Picard doesn’t need glasses.

13. Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon — easily.

12. Picard likes painting nudes, for art’s sake. Which implies both a penchant for the arts and time spent alone with naked women.

11. When Kirk doesn’t trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When Picard doesn’t trust the Romulans, he gets fired at.

10. Kirk never once, ever, wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock on shore leave. And thank jesus he didn’t.

9. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting ensign.

8. Kirk doesn’t test the engines — he just fires them up.

7. When Kirk says “Boldly Go,” he MEANS it. With eye makeup and all.  Ruby eyeliner really was a bold choice.

6. Three Words: Flying Leg Kick.

5. Picard’s crew would never ever think of him as a sexual object. Maybe not, but I do.

4. Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn’t even impressed. Neither was God.

3. Kirk’s bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets.  Pit” is, in fact, an apt description for Kirk’s bedroom.

2. Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail. Picard’s Chief of Security could rip Kirk’s Chief of Security’s face off.

1. One Word: Balls! Two words: vests and turtle-necks!

Along those lines, I found that someone else created a similar list.  Kindred spirits.

In closing, enjoy:

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~ by ladamesansregrets on July 6, 2008.

One Response to “Sheer Blasphemy”

  1. You were right: your best blog post, ever. Despite my ignorance, your knowledge amazes me. Nothing can really take Kirk down a notch like a tortured gay affair though, right?

    94. Picard is a French man with an English accent. EXACTLY.

    93. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher — and damn the consequences!! Picard had OTHER reasons for not dating Crusher. He was buddies with her dead husband… and it wouldn’t be cool to step into a dead friend’s territory, right? (P.S. He DID hit that in an alternate future.)

    54. One Word: Miniskirts. And go-go boots. Capable of derailing any intergalactic mission in an instant. (How true.)

    34. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won. Ricardo Montalban does not count.

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